If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Is….Is this an option?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
my retirement plan is braless
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.