@duplicitron

You’re hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, “No one will ever believe you.”

@justinbieber

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol

@topherjordan

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

@Just_Lee_

It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book.

A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It’s a vast improvement.

@brendohare

A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@lazerdoov

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

@Molly_Kats

I’m doing my own taxes so I’ll probably be in jail this time next year.

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.