I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.