robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Who did it better?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?