If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.
My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.
Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.
Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.
I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”
Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.