Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot