Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
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My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.