@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!

@tiffanygraceful

Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.

@RefractReality

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

@Shock_Monster

The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

@KKAlThani

I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.

@bffinheels

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

@HannahAntics

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

@BBQJones28

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.