Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!


Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.


In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.


The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.


I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.


I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.


Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.