YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins