What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
🤣🤣🤣
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen