Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I like to diffuse situations with humornnnnnnnnnAnd a machete
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome
If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve