@reesespiece_

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@ryaninco

I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.

@JermHimselfish

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome

@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve