To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”


“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”


My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.


I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.


Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room


Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..


My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.