Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough