went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
You Might Also Like
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
There is wisdom there.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
i actually laughed 😩
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.