my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
sliding into dms like
A roof is a house hat.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me