yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
it is time once again
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.