SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…