A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
You Might Also Like
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I hate when that happens.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If you had more money you’d be happier.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me