One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions


Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.


I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.


Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?


And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.


Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.


Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.