@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@MrsMikePatton

Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

@BEEAAARR

Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.

@YimsterFife

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@Parentpains

And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.

@Mouthy_

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

@SilverKick

Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.