Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.