@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@sloganeerist

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@kelkulus

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

@shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.

@RealSugarFree

In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.