Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way