My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk


I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.


I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way


if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.


Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.