@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk

@Boleyngirly

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@the_kizzle

if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.

@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.