Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”