@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.

@gogocosmonaut

Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.

@daplusk

The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.

@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.

@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@weinerdog4life

You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now