i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I can’t stop watching this.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m good, thanks.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please