so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD