Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?