At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.


Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!


Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!


My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.


Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.


On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.


I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.


Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes 🙁


Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.