Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.