Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China