If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
the answer was staring at me all along
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
is it earth
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.