Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?


You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog


When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.


older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah


You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.


The first rule of fight club is don’t hit hard I’m very sensitive


Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.


Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!


No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though