No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though


Funny prank: stay over at a friend’s house and die on their couch.


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)


Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.


“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”


Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”


I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.


You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.


Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.