@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

@batsly

Funny prank: stay over at a friend’s house and die on their couch.

@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

@myles_morrison

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.

@zachheltzel

“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”

@brothasoul

Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”

@KPsych29

I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@WetzelGeek

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.