back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
gm
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.