@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@TheOneTrueDisco

If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn’t at work.

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@HeidiCF8

I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..

@DeanB15

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

@desi_princess

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

@Schmoodles

I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.

@Loli_Sug

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.