My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
rise and shine we got egg
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.