thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog