If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You Might Also Like
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.