Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Someone just threatened to call me later
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.