@mochanya

Just watched a commercial…How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?

@dysalexia

You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.

@GetCougarized

I bought a laser pointer, but I don’t have a cat.

So I ‘borrowed’ my neighbor’s toddler, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
Babies are stupid.

@botsalot

Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.

@mochanya

My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.