If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
You Might Also Like
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake