Just watched a commercial…How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?


You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.


I bought a laser pointer, but I don’t have a cat.

So I ‘borrowed’ my neighbor’s toddler, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
Babies are stupid.


Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.


My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.


If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.


If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.


If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.


Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.