This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.
Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.