Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You Might Also Like
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.