The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.