Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.