Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking