Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.