My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
5 ways to appear taller
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL