All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Woke up against my better judgement again
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.