When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.