coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do