BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos