Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
The symmetry is uncanny.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’