@FuckabillyRex

Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.

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@kibblesmith

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

@jonnysun

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

@platinum2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

@Savage_Scavange

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

@Angibangie

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@HanaMichels

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

@Darlainky

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.