When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I feel like one of these would kill a European
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself