“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*