Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order
me: i’ll take the apple
waiter: we don’t actually sell apples
me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees
card machine: insert chip card into reader
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
cause baby now we’ve got
you know we soaking in
so take a loofah for
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Shaved my girlfriend’s cat. Think she’ll take the hint?
Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
im surprised we havent got nuked yet
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.