Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)