Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Lmao 🤣
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I hate my earbuds.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
this is the news I live for
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*exercises sarcastically*
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.