ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god
[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
– Gross no
– No. Anything is fine tho.
– Ew carbs
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.