@_stylr

paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy

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@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

@ericsshadow

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

@tgilliland789

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

@TVsCarlKinsella

FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.

@meganamram

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

@badbanana

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

@guelphgirlchris

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god

@Sickayduh

[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
“Fish?”
– Gross no
“Steak?”
– No. Anything is fine tho.
“Pasta?”
– Ew carbs

@robdelaney

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.