Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.


Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?


I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.


The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.


man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single


“Run, run, as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me, I’m the…”


Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.


Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.


guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!


I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!