Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.