@AngelaEhh

Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

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@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@Celestinelea90

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

@SweetTweetsBRO

The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.

@abraveturtle

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

@craiguito

“Run, run, as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me, I’m the…”

@garrettbarry70

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.

@ComedicBust

Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.

@1followernodad

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

@rzarosco

I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!