@ObscureGent

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

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@bigmacher

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

@jillboard

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@carlyken

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

@thomas_violence

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

@avainwordland

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

@stillwondering1

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.