@ObscureGent: Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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@UncleDuke1969: [broken down by the side of the road] ME: I think it’s the carburetor. WIFE: You sure? ME: Absolutely. WIFE: Do you even know what that is? ME: Of course. WIFE: What does a carburetor do? ME: It carburetes.
@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
@HenpeckedHal: DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations? BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.