Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it