@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs] wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@UncleDuke1969: [broken down by the side of the road] ME: I think it’s the carburetor. WIFE: You sure? ME: Absolutely. WIFE: Do you even know what that is? ME: Of course. WIFE: What does a carburetor do? ME: It carburetes.

@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

@HenpeckedHal: DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations? BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

@Faceyspace: Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.