Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.